To Trust?

God has asked me to trust him.
And if trusting him means ending my university dreams here, am I okay with that?

If I’m honest, no I’m not. I’m not okay with that.
I’m not okay with being an uneducated teenager mother.
I’m not okay with the path that God has walked me down.

It’s my pride that’s standing in the way.
It’s the voices of society that are telling me that this is NOT OKAY! And I’m listening to them. They’re more important to me than God’s voice.
God’s voice is telling me that this is ALL OKAY!

Surrender is hard. Surrender means giving up what matters to me. It mean sacrificing my identity! And when he asks me to do something so big, I realise how much my identity is wrapped up in my intelligence and education and ‘changing the world’ and adventure.
Being a stay at home mum is not satisfying my internal craves! But they are not God given desires, they are my own!

God’s desires for my life are simplicity. Are sacrificial love for my children. Servanthood to everyone. Indiscriminatory honour. God desires consistent regular humble living.
To take up my cross every day and follow him.

To nail my selfish ambitions on the cross.
To nail my desire for acknowledgement on the cross.
To nail my desire for personal space and nice things to the cross.
To nail my identity on the cross.

Following Jesus demands everything of me! And he deserves everything of me!
My time. My future. My trust. My family. My desires. Everything.
And I give it freely because I love him.

Because I trust that His plans are better than my plans. His plans are higher than my plans. Even though I think my plans are flipping AWESOME. I could CHANGE THE WORLD don’t you know!!

Yet God’s not asking me to change the world in the capacity I’m so desperate to pursue.  He’s asking me to change a culture by discipling small children. He’s asking me to change a culture by my every day counter cultural living, an example which small people are watching and will one day live out.  And can I trust him to faithfully change the world in this small way?

Trusting God with my family, with my future, with my identity, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Obeying God’s voice when it’s telling me to stay at home in a familiar city while my husband works is the very hardest thing he could have told me to do.

Do I trust Him?