Bonding

I’ve been really struggling to bond with this baby.  I struggled with Nathan too, but I had all of the baggage of depression going on, and it was kind of to be expected.  This time around I have no excuse.  I feel like I’m pregnant, but the idea that there is an actual child growing and playing in there is a bit foreign. Pregnancy and Baby don’t seem to compute.

I’m considering having a period of time after this bubba is born where only our family, Tim, Nathan and I, give it cuddles.  To allow me to get used to the idea that it is my baby.  Because when Nathan was being passed around, it felt like he belonged to all of them.  I feel as though I could easily be a surrogate mother and give the baby away after birth.

That makes me sound like a horrible person, but I think it is just difficult for me to begin to bond until I can cuddle it, and tickle it’s little toes.  Until I’m feeding it and waking up for it in the middle of the night.  I pray for it often, prophecy and claim my babies future, but I don’t feel connected to it.

I’m wondering if part of that has to do with the fact that we don’t know the babies sex, so it’s harder to imagine what it is.  It has no name, or even name possibilities at the moment.  I haven’t thought of it’s future, because I don’t know what I’m picturing.  If we had another chance, maybe I would find out the sex, and see if that made a difference.  Maybe thinking about my little girl would make me feel closer to her.  Or imagining what my little boy will be like in four years would help me bond with him.

But maybe it’s okay that I’m not strongly emotionally connected with my child yet.  Who is to say what is normal, and what is right?