struggling to get through

So it has been a little while, okay quite a long while, since I visited to document my thoughts. That’s because the last few months have been, to put it mildly, manically crazy. The last few months have been really hard and I have been struggling. Struggling to stay on top of my workload, on top of mothering and just on top of my emotions.

The pregnancy has been relatively easy thus far. Morning sickness was mild qeasiness on occasion but nothing like the ride that I had with Nathan. I really did escape lightly. I had cramping which was very painful and enough to cause me to bend over in agony, or stop moving and sit. That lasted from about conception really until around 10-12 weeks when my uterus popped up out of my pelvis.

And then in the last few weeks I have had these debilitating headaches. My brain is so fuzzy I am struggling to formulate real sentences or try and remember people’s names. I just cannot think clearly. And that kind of sucks considering that my big essays and exams are due right about… now.

But I think it is good to realise every now and again that my body cannot do everything. That as much as I try to convince myself it’s true, I am not actually a superhero. I do have a finite energy supply, a finite amount of time. In fact, pretty much everything is finite. And even though my Jesus is infinite, even though His strength is so much more than I can imagine, I am still bound by human limitations. There are only 24 hours in a day, and I cannot manage more than my body is physically able.

I have been pushing myself way too hard. I don’t know how to take down time anymore. I don’t remember what hobbies are. I had a shower tonight and its been so long since I’ve actually relaxed that it felt completely foreign to me. Not the shower. I do shower, but the relaxation and actual breathing.

It feels like I haven’t taken a breath in months. Maybe even the whole year. And I was coping with it fine until this baby came along. This precious, wonderful much desired baby. But now my body can’t hack what it used to, and I am so so tired.

There are only a few weeks left of this semester. We are due to fly to Perth in about 6 weeks. But my brain is so limited by anxiety and stress that right now I cannot see clearly between now and then. I have absolutely no clue how everything is going to pull itself together. I trust that it will, because it always does. And I pray like crazy that my marks will be up to scratch. But I’m just not sure how it is going to happen.

I’ve been very aware of how I am going emotionally. Because everything came crashing down so intensely with Nathan, I want to watch out for that happening again. So far I’m doing okay. My anxiety levels are way up, and I can see myself distorting the truth. Negatively self talking. I know what is going on in my head is not truth, but I’m finding it harder to speak the truth to myself.
That said, I know there is a long way to fall before I get to the point that I was at two years ago. And I’m so thankful for that.