connected

I woke up this morning with this tugging on my heart. This pulling. It’s almost a tangible drawing. I saw Stuart in a dream, and went and checked up on their blog, and it just shakes me up. The stuff they are doing is incredible. The people they are rocks me! That is who I should be. And if I’d made different choices about what I was doing, maybe I would literally be where they are. In that same space with God. But the fact that I’m not in that space, because of my circumstances, makes me feel weak.

Is my faith that weak, that it cannot be sustained in ‘normality,’ everyday life. Where the business runs its course, and the craziness takes over. Is my faith that weak, that it is interrupted by my son’s voice constantly in my ear. Am I that dependant on others/opportunity for my faith to thrive.

This morning, there is that tug. That deep sorrow in my heart that I’m not one with God. That I’m not resting and waiting on Him to bring true revelation about who I am or the world I’m living in. That I’m not so close to Him that I can hear his breath, or see his hand at work where others see none. I remember being that close. I remember touching Him and hearing Him and dancing with Him. Loving Him.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love God now. I believe in Him, I can still worship and get lost in it, I still believe with everything, listen to what He says, and act upon it. It’s just that were not so close that I can finish His thoughts anymore.

I hate it.

But it seems so hard to change.

The craziness presses me on all angles. My study and my job, being a mum and a wife and a house keeper. Even the work we do for the church. My anxiety levels are very high. The pressures are getting to me. And I’m not running to my Jesus. There is a problem.

What do I do about it? How do I fix this? How do I lose myself to find Him again?

And what is the point? I feel like this point is a revolving point in my life. Somewhere that I keep coming back to time and time again. Somewhere that I have to fight my way out of over and over again. It feels hopeless. In another three months, will I be back here? Or after the change will it be another six months? 8 months if I’m lucky. I think that’s probably the longest that it’s taken me to be back here. I keep using circumstances as excuses. But I’m sick of that. It’s my responsibility, and it’s my failings.
Good thing God keeps taking me back.

It’s the getting back that seems so insurmountably hard. Reading my bible everyday doesn’t seem like enough. Seriously, it’s the God of the Universe we’re talking about! Giving him less than everything seems like a rip off. Right now, I want to quit my study, I want to walk away from my family and I just want to have two days in the middle of nowhere to regroup. To revitalise and to connect with my God again.

But I have to look at all these things that I’m doing and acknowledge that it is taking my everything. And that’s okay. Because what I’m doing, my everything right now, it is for God. I am giving him everything. I am learning, I am being a mum and a wife. And that’s what God wants. I’m being a mentor and a leader. And that’s okay too.

It’s just not supposed to take primary position. My primary position should be a daughter and lover of God. That’s always supposed to be number one.

Yet here I am, typing this. Instead of being with Him. Come on Sara, snap out of it! It’s not that hard to go and connect.